Different. Entirely.

Many people find themselves in unfulfilling marriages, and usually, sex is at the bottom of it. A lot of the blame can be laid to the fact that although everybody knows how to do it, very few people know how to deal with it. Sex is one of those things that appears incredibly simple on the surface. Insert Tab A into Slot A. Wiggle. What’s to learn, right? And, dealing with the opposite sex’s mindset regarding everything surrounding sex is even more difficult. Signals. Thoughts. Opinions. Hangups. The world of sexual conversation is more confusing every day. Teens are taught “safe sex.” Did you know that “safe sex” in the school’s context usually refers only to the transmission of STD’s? But, how many teens think “safe sex” means they get to do it without getting caught in the act?

Life in a sexually unfulfilling marriage doesn’t need to be a dismal defeat for either party. Because the real reasons for loss of libido are legion, it’s probably better for the “offended” party to find another outlet for that energy, and I don’t mean a paramour. You can still enjoy the love and affection of your spouse, and find common interests elsewhere. You might wish to share service in a charity or church-related outreach. Graciously accept the situation for now, and refuse to lay blame until all facts are in. Yield to God in all things, and focus more on the needs of others than on your own. Intensify your prayer life, or start one if it has been non-existent up to now. Probably the best thing you can do is to find the humor in all situations. It won’t kill you to laugh about your situation, even if it’s only to yourself.

And, just in case you think nobody ever had it so bad, let me tell you that you are not alone. There are so many marriages in trouble for sexual reasons that they defy counting. Perhaps we need a whole new designation for such relationships, such as “altruistic celibacy.” Widowed people willingly forego a renewed sex life without detriment, because, as a rule, they have learned how to live with the empty times. Lack of sexual activity is not a fatal disease, and does not cause any medical conditions except perhaps frustration and self-pity.

Men are hardwired to want a lot of sex. It is for this reason that a celibate priesthood defies the ability of most people to comprehend it. It may be hard for them to believe, but it is possible, and, in a religious vein, imagine the kind of sacrifice and determination it requires to remain in this situation for life. Yet, many men do it, and remain masculine, sane, and competent.

Women are hardwired to want a lot of love. Affection for some women is more important than intercourse, and few women respond to sex completely if they are deprived of the social atmosphere that surrounds their instinctual needs. The two sexes could and are easily at cross-purposes because their deepest reasons are almost exactly opposite each other’s needs, but with patient gentleness, kind affection, and sensitive care, it is possible to achieve sexual happiness in marriage. Women’s sexual thoughts and needs are simply different from men’s, and the fact has to be recognized by both partners.

Being married to the person you love adds a deeper dynamic to the relationship. As a rule, the partners are in the marriage because they want to be: because they love their spouses and want to make them happy. Most times, this element is missing in smash-and-grab sexual encounters that seem to be the norm these days, leaving one or both participants disappointed, as if what they got was not what they ordered, and it’s too late to return it
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There are a lot of reasons why marriage is the best milieu for sex, and having the reassurance of commitment is one of the most important.

Frustrated couples in sexually unfulfilled marriages can have happy and satisfying lives without sex if they refuse the temptation to brood about their needs not being met. Changing the focus of one’s thinking in this regard may go far in helping the couples communicate better about what sex means to them.

The image below describes it perfectly. Whoever built this was almost certainly in an unfulfilling relationship. The metaphor is complete, and nothing more needs to be said: