First Pundit Post Of The Cycle

I’m already being asked who I think will make it to the White House in 2008. As if anyone could know this far out. (Remember, Paul Wellstone thought he had his election in the bag a few years ago…)

For one thing, the field is still expanding. This is going to lead to some interesting speculation as time goes on, and all of it is going to be aimed at one thing: GETTING GEORGE BUSH OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. I guess nobody has told these sad little people that he’s not eligble for re-election anyway. They’ve been charging around for so long on pure hatred of one man that they are going to be at a loss to find a new object for that hatred, because, let’s face it: It drives them like a bullwhip. They may not have much else, but they do have their HATE. They are so fixated on their hatred for him personally that they can’t see far enough into the future to see an election, let alone retain their hold on Congress. Interesting times are certainly upon us.

Another thing about this that always stops me in my tracks is this: Why are they asking ME? All I know is what I read/see/hear. I am no pundit, even though I do enjoy following this kind of news as it develops. I will endeavor to be worthy of their trust in my opinions…

As for the possible candidates who are actually going to try to make a run for it, the biggest name, obviously, is Hillary Clinton. What that woman lacks in kindess, good sense, and general humility she more than makes up for in arrogan pride, malevolent intent, and megalomania. Any so-called “free” country that elects this person is going to find themselves being treated to a Chavez-style government. Be warned.

Barack Hussein Obama…hmm… what to say? Unfortunate middle name, unfortunately… Way out of his league. He’s trying to go piss on Hillary’s leg (he probably thinks its a fireplug), and she is really getting tight-lipped about it. The idea that he is kind of Black is really appealing to a lot of people, especially ones who don’t care how little water his mental boat draws. My guess? A flash in the pan. That’s “all smoke, no fire,” or “a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing…”

Rudy Giuliani? Outside of cutting crime in New York City and being a real leader after the attack on September 11, 2001, St. Rudy hasn’t done much…besides show up in drag a couple of times. I don’t see him being much of a contender, in spite of the early popularity. I think he’s a liberal, and I don’t think he makes any effort to hide it.

Mitt Romney. All I know about Romney is that he is a Mormon. Having lived a good portion of my life as a Mormon kid in Utah, I know more about Mormons in general than about Romney in particular. One thing I do know is this: Mormons watch out for their own. If Romney makes it to the home stretch, he is going to sweep Utah, Idaho, Wyoming with hardly a dissenting vote. Too bad they are among the least-populous states. It won’t make a bit of difference against the Blue-state juggernauts on the coasts. And, they are not anywhere near as “conservative” as they like people to think. Romney has shown that he has some very Leftish ideas and beliefs. For me, that would sink his boat faster than his Mormon religious leanings.

These are just the most visible of the candidate field so far. As with anything else in this world, this is all subject to the vagaries of time and the press. Time is the one thing the American voters have going for them at this point. If I could pick a team, I think I’d want to put Newt Gingrich in there somewhere. As for a running mate, however, I think I’ll wait on that one.

So, there’s my first sally into the field of punditry for this election cycle. It won’t be the last. I see that the Democrats are so desperate to remove Bush from the White House, though, that they can’t get started early enough. Like old fire horses hearing the bell, they are already snorting and pawing their stalls. If enthusiasm is all it is going to take for them to get their hero(ine) into the White House, these guys are going to win at a walk…

A Stitch Of Hope

Click here, and see why our veterans need our grateful welcome. Bring a big hankie…

Welcome Home A Hero

Watch THIS.

When we see on the news the rollicking, joyous receptions our wonderful military heroes receive when they arrive home at last, we often forget the kinds of receptions their predecessors received. Korean veterans say there was no one to greet them–they just got off their buses, trains, and planes, hugged their families, and went home.

To our shame forever, our Viet Nam veterans fared much worse. At the height of John Kerry’s campaign to deface their honor and besmirch their devotion to duty, they were received by snarling, spitting mobs screaming, “Baby killer!” at them. I know that I, at least, beheld this monstrosity with horror, and wept for every returning serviceman, whether he was mocked or not, because, to betray one of these heroes was to betray them all. There is no way we can ever make right the hideous behavior so many of us chose to exhibit at those homecomings. But those of us with a voice might be able to express in some small way that not all of us shared those vicious feelings.

Today, we have a great opportunity to undo that blot on our national pride, even if just a little. We can meet and greet our troops with enthusiasm and gratitude, and we can shower them with the kind of appreciation their predecessors didn’t receive, but deserved just as much. For all our veterans, HEROES YOU ALL ARE, this post is for you. God love you. God bless you. THANK you for serving; for being willing to sacrifice your lives in the name of freedom. There are not enough words in the language to tell you how profoundly we appreciate your courage and your devotion to duty.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

Even though in recent times, soreheads and selfish people have tried to steal your birthday and lump it in with all the other dead white occupants of the White House, we who remember will continue to honor this day.

Thank you for this nice country. Thank you for having the wisdom to set it up and lead it like you did. Although some of us don’t seem to be grateful for the rights and privileges you and the other Framers put into place, most of the rest of us love it, and are willing to die to keep it free. God bless you.

Perspectives

In the years that I have been hopping around the internet, learning this, acquiring that, posting the other, among the things that have become the most valuable have been the internet friends I have met along the way.

These people are individuals I have never seen in person, although we have all seen photos of each other. Some of the friends no longer email me on a regular basis or even talk on a messenger, but in the absence of outright divorce/mayhem, I would say it’s probably safe to consider them still in the “Friends” column.

Friendship implies certain intimacies. You know things about me, and presumably, I know things about you, and we love each other in spite of them, as the little epigram says. Being a friend on the internet, though, can be even more intimate than actually being within arm’s reach of one’s friends. It’s safer to confide in an internet friend (or, perceived to be so). They are in reality far away, and not too likely to come dashing in to disrupt plans or make nuisances of themselves, or charging to the rescue. We are still left to cope with our problems, celebrate our joys, and muddle through our quandaries by ourselves, with only occasional conversations with these friends to help us along. Along the way, we learn things about our invisible friends: intimacies, facts, and foibles that they would hesitate to reveal to someone nearby. Confession may be good for the soul, but there was always a good reason why the grilles in the old confessionals concealed the faces of the priests who heard our confessions.

But knowing what we do about each other can also be a burden. When we don’t hear from our friends, we can imagine all kinds of scenarios that wouldn’t cross our minds had we never become acquainted. Are they all right? Is their abusive spouse up to his old tricks again? We could probably spend a lot of time in speculation regarding their status. And we could be wrong on every count. Perception at a distance only works for clairvoyants.

Another thing about online friendships is the ways they bring together two disparate lifestyles that would not have met had they been confined to the physical world. We just simply would never have moved in the same circles. But some equalizer in the internet has brought us together, some common ground has been reached, and we find ourselves enjoying the pleasures of a small number of friendships that never would have been born under ordinary circumstances. A metal-replater in Maryland can come to the rescue of an immune-damaged woman in the upper midwest, when they meet on a nutrition site. A software engineer can become the confidante and mentor of a budding bloggist, and the list goes on.

We do what we have time for, these days, and the internet seems to see to that, too. If we are too busy for regular friendships, sometimes, an online relationship is really all we have the time for. Sometimes, our lives are such that we have no ability to spend time away from home; working, socializing, shopping, etc. iPods, laptops, and cellphones, make us all part of the Incredible Shrinking Planet. We are more connected than ever, the bands of our connectedness reinforced by numerous handy gadgets, so that we are never more than a belt loop away from a phone call or a paging beeper.

Normal friendships could never have the kind of intimacy that we can enjoy/hate now that everybody we know is on our fast-dial list. But if we’re smart, we’ll keep our online friends on a separate list. There are times when intimacy is the last thing we need from those we are closest to, and the internet can provide that privacy, too. It’s nothing to delete an email that arrives at an inconvenient time, or to instruct our messenger to show us offline to everyone, to preserve our privacy. The ability to do so is one of the percs of internet anonymity. Only we can choose to show our private “face” to our internet acquaintances.

For many of us the friendships that have continued online are very special to us. Losing them for any reason feels just as bad as losing a “real” friend, up close and personal. Internet intimacy is just one more aspect of the perspective of the Computer Age. Dealing with such intimacy in such artificial ways may harden us to the needs of those who have come to trust our judgment, or it may lead us into foolhardy or illegal risk-taking.

Gaining perspective used to be the consequence of growing older and wiser. Today, it has to be acquired through careful reading of posts and emails. It’s no wonder parents are alarmed by their children’s apparent trust of people they have met only online. How can a parent know that the teenaged individual on the other end of that computer wire isn’t a adult predator? Being able to get a good look at our children’s friends doesn’t seem to be as simple as it used to be.

But the internet is here to stay. Nothing short of a total shutdown of electricity, telephone, and electronics for good could ever halt it. It has grown beyond the ability of a few puny humans to control it. Hillary Clinton talks about reining it in, but the fact is that all that would do would be to add a layer of censorship and violate the First Amendment rights of internet writers, bloggers, and commentators, most of whom are conversant in flying under any political radar, anyway. Even China hasn’t been able to completely control what the people read or write online.

Internet friendships are as fleeting as the ether they fly through; here today and gone tomorrow, unless we take particular care to cultivate them and spend time talking to those we have come to care for at the end of that email address or that Messenger ID.

Baby Steps

Icon of The Bridegroom, Symbol of Great Fast

Today begins the period called “Great Fast” in the Eastern Rite of the Catholic Church. It is a day of “strict” fast, and they are not kidding. Unlike the Latin Rite, which allows exceptions for age, no one in good health is exempt, regardless of age. It means no flesh except seafood, and no dairy, including eggs, milk, butter, and cheese.

In the two years or so since I have enjoyed the little parish family at Blessed Theodore Romzha (formerly the outreach of St. Nicholas of Myra in Anchorage), I have learned a lot about fasting. This is not to say I never lived out my faith in the Latin Rite. As a family, we did everything we were expected to do. It’s just that the Byzantine Rite expects more. In the Latin Rite, as most Catholics are aware, fasting is prescribed on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Basically it’s the same in the East. The first Monday of Great Fast is equivalent to the Latin observation of Ash Wednesday. Fasting in the Latin Rite involves two small snacks, and one meal. None can contain red meat or poultry, but dairy is allowed. Not so for Byzantines, who are left with seafood, vegetables, and grains, and the daily intake cannot equal a large meal.

Observing a strict fast is a true test of one’s commitment to what one believes. Like a good, strict family, the Byzantine Rite expects more of her children, and usually gets it. People in the parish, including myself, are looking forward to the Great Fast as an opportunity to renew our acceptance of the rules the Church has laid out, simply because, by the time Great Fast rolls around again, we have been willing to let our observances slide. Although it’s not a sin, we recognize that it’s not our best. Like babies learning to walk, a fall doesn’t have to mean “the end.” It means we pick ourselves up and try again. The graces of observing the Great Fast are like the Father, taking our hand to steady us as we practice, practice, practice. (Isn’t that how we term ourselves…”Practicing” Catholics?)

There are other aspects of this period that a lot of people aren’t really aware. The practice of fasting has three “faces.” They are fasting, penance, and almsgiving. Any one of these exercises can be performed at any time, obviously. But during the Great Fast, we really pay attention to the things we are doing, and the real reasons we are doing them. Going without meat is no big deal, if you are a vegetarian to start with. And giving $25 a week is no big deal if your annual income is $250,000. And, saying to God, “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it, if you go right out and do the same thing again without even thinking about what you are doing.

Penance doesn’t mean whipping oneself, walking to Talkeetna on one’s knees, or starving while wearing a hairshirt, although I’m sure some people get images of such when you mention the word. It means CHANGE. In Greek, it’s “metanoia,” and, loosely translated, it means “turn around.” Fasting, changing, and sharing from one’s wealth are pious practices that can, if properly observed, really make us different people when we do them with a willing and contrite heart.

Almsgiving is different from the usual Sunday donation.

19 He entered Jericho and was passing through it. 2A man was there named Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was rich. 3He was trying to see who Jesus was, but on account of the crowd he could not, because he was short in stature. 4So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore tree to see him, because he was going to pass that way. 5When Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, hurry and come down; for I must stay at your house today.” 6So he hurried down and was happy to welcome him. 7All who saw it began to grumble and said, “He has gone to be the guest of one who is a sinner.” 8Zacchaeus stood there and said to the Lord, “Look, half of my possessions, Lord, I will give to the poor; and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will pay back four times as much.” 9Then Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because he too is a son of Abraham. 10For the Son of Man came to seek out and to save the lost.” (The Gospel of Luke)

It can be any number or kinds of gifts, but all should be given with the same attitude that Zaccheus had. His metanoia was complete, instantaneous, and made joyfully. No wonder the Lord replied, “Zaccheus, come down! I mean to eat at your house tonight!” The idea of joyful fasting/almsgiving/penance has such an appealing ring to it, it almost makes me impatient to see if puny human I can actually accomplish it.

In the Latin Rite, we had one…that’s ONE…priest who explained fasting correctly, in all the years since we came back to the Church. This is the second year in a row (and the second priest) who has instructed his congregation carefully regarding the real meaning and efficacy of the true fast.

During Lent, we Catholics usually think of some thing we do, eat, drink, or spend as a “give up” for Lent. But by and large, we don’t have any better luck keeping these resolutions than those we make for the New Year. Making the effort it requires to not only commit to forgoing the things we enjoy is really what it’s all about. Making the effort involves keeping the sense of sacrifice in the backs of our minds all the time.

Some of us, including myself, might have habits of speech or behavior that we have come to recognize as less than they could be. The Baptist friends I had in Valdez put it very nicely: “Is that the same mouth you use to praise the Lord??” And, much to my shame, yes, it was…

Going without meat for a while is not a major sacrifice. Skipping cheese today and on Good Friday isn’t going to hurt too badly, either. But, keeping a civil tongue in my head and remembering that disrespect and swearing really are coming out of the same mouth I use to praise the Lord is going to be one of those Great Fast/Lenten practices that, if diligently applied, is really going to make a difference in my personal pilgrimage to Easter. And I have no illusions: Nothing worth having is easy to acquire, everything has its price, and more platitudes out to here >>>>.

But every time I slip, every time I have a “relapse,” I’m going to try to picture God’s hand reaching down to steady me as I take my baby-steps to the Resurrection.

Book Report: "The Inflammation Syndrome"

(Link to amazon.com below)

THE INFLAMMATION SYNDROME by Jack Challem, Co-author of the bestselling “Syndrome X”

Through all the years that I have been searching for a real foundational eplanation of the numerous, mysterious, and plaguing problems that have beset me since I was old enough to say, “This HURTS!” I never dreamed it would be so “easy” to learn the truth.

Challem, if you are not familiar with his work, is called “THE Nutrition Reporter.” He has been writing nutrition based articles for one magazine, book, pamphlet or information sheet after another for years. “He is a leading health and medical writer and a contributing editor for Body & Soul and Let’s Live magazines, as well as other consumer health publications. His scientific articles have been published in Free Radical Biology & Medicine, Journal of Orthomolecular Medicine Hypotheses, and other Journals. Challem is the lead author of the bestselling “Syndrome X.” (Back jacket blurb)

In this book, Challem shows us that what we eat really does matter, and that a lot of what we eat is simply being reacted to by our bodies as foreign matter. Allergies, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, asthma, and numerous other problems can be clearly and quickly traced to the body’s reaction to the manipulated “anti-foods” we put into them in an attempt to fuel them with denatured and artificial meals.

For one thing, Challem carefully describes the biochemistry of inflammation effects, and what parts of the body suffer worst from what kinds of inflammations. For me, this was the most interesting part of the book. It was technical without being too scientific to be understood, and it explained a LOT.

A syndrome, as in “Inflammation Syndrome” is defined as “…a group of symptoms that characterizes a particular disorder.” As a general rule, syndromes contain the same basic package of symptoms every time the disorder is encountered. There are “benchmark” symptoms that define the disorder, and there can be any number of satellite symptoms that might/can be frequently found in the same patient.

Inflammation is a general term, and refers to the body’s attempt to deal with an injury or insult. Under the right conditions, it’s a good thing–the body’s message to the immune system to muster the macrophage “troops.” But when the same injury/insult is not removed or healed, the immune-system response can become “locked” into a defensive position against the body itself. The term is used by Challem to describe a situation in which the body’s immune responses are “heated up.” (InFLAMEd, get it?)

Fortunately for us, he was paying attention in all those seminars, conferences, and classes. He defines the problems clearly, then carefully lists ways in which the inflammation response can be “cooled:” By dietary modification (not complicated) and the addition of certain nutrients and supplements that have been gradually removed from the Western diet in the last fifty years or so, without attention to that nutrient’s place in the necessary biochemical scheme of things. Inflammatory conditions result, and are perpetuated from one generation to the next by the way we feed ourselves and our children, and the manufacturers’ response to our purchasing habits.

I have two teeny quibbles with the book, but they aren’t major enough to mean brushing the work aside as unsatisfactory. For one thing, he doesn’t mention even ONE time the supplementation of cod liver oil or coconut oil, both providing absolutely essential fatty acids that cannot be provided elsewhere. He is diligent to recommend fish oil as one of the primary treatments for the inflammation problems Challem mentions in the book, but never mentions either cod liver oil or virgin coconut oil.

The other quibble is that he seems to be swallowed up by the black hole of misinformation regarding saturated fat in the diet being the “cause” of heart disease and stroke. But, it’s understandable that he thinks that way, even when he mentions Vilhalmur Stefansson’s experiment in the early part of the last century, when he and his partner agreed to eat nothing but meat for a year. About four days into the test the two men became ill. Then it was discovered that all the fat had been removed from their meat. When the fat was restored and even more added, the men’s health returned and remained for the balance of the test. All their blood fats were normal, and they had both lost about six pounds each. Challem doesn’t mention the test by name, but the proof of the beneficial nature of animal fat is in the test, nor does he mention how essential the animal fats were to the success of the test.

But, if you have been wondering why you are feeling so “under the weather” for so long, this book might hold a lot of answers for you. I recommend it most highly.

(Next on my reading list: “Confessions of a Medical Heretic“)

Why We Shake Our Heads…

Here is an oldie/goodie from the Sourdough proofing cabinet, just off the kitchen, past the laundry room. All of the strategically placed asterisks are mine. I’m sorry this is so long, but HE started it! It is still just as educational as it was the first time it bobbed to the surface right after the 2004 elections.

I posted this article just in case some of you were tempted to think that I don’t give the liberal left a fair shake when I write about them and their stupid antics.

The Left is still upset about the election. Below you can read a screed from one of them that is so well-reasoned, kind, thoughtful, and moderate that I decided to feature it here, and respond occasionally as I go along. The headline itself is an exercise in kindness and humility: “SCREW YOU AMERICA, Sometimes Fish In the Barrel Deserve to Die..” I didn’t include the link to the “newspaper” this piece was written in, but it was a college paper, presumably from Boston U. I don’t actually expect you to go there and run this dork’s hit-counter up any more than it already has gone since his piece of toilet paper hit the street. My comments below will be in italics.

I always have some questions about stuff like this, and the first one is always, “Why are these infuriated, scatalogical hit pieces so freaking LONG???” The next question is usually something like, “I wonder if this writer is going to cite any proofs for his accusations?” Because, usually, they don’t bother to do any research at all before they put the match to their touch-holes and go off like roman candles.

So, here’s the article:

“SCREW YOU AMERICA, Sometimes Fish In the Barrel Deserve to Die..”

Don’t forgive my anger. (Okay. Works for me..) All this needs to be said. And I know that as soon as that stiff-faced to-the-manure-born (I think he means, “Manor,” but “manure” works, too, and besides, who’s checking, right?) right-wing lackey in the White House tries to appoint a 21st-century counterpart to Roy Bean to the Supreme Court in a few weeks, more people are going to wish they’d said it sooner. John Kerry ******up. More important, America ******up. And the people who ******up the most–you infamous red-staters–are going to suffer along with the rest of us. (NASTY talk!) To put it in lingo a NASCAR devotee would understand, “Y’all deserve a good talkin’-to.” John F. Kerry, you’re first. (You know, if I try to write after about three drinks, this is the way I sound, too.)

In your befuddling concession speech, you actually called for unity and healing. (Must be talking to GWB here…nope, this guy’s talkin’ to his own man.) Sounds good, clown, but can’t you even imagine for a second that the people who supported you so zealously for the past five months might just see that insincere gesture of good sportsmanship as a betrayal? See, unlike you pols, we voters actually believe in shit. (No shit??) We believe that George W. Bush and his henchpeople (LOL! We MUST be politically correct! Even when writing toiletpaper!) are a real threat to the survival of democracy. We believe that they’re killing people for profit. And we believe that they don’t have a goddamn clue about forfending terrorism on U.S. soil. (Ok. And, how many times have we been attacked here since 9-11-01?)

That’s not a position gap; that’s an ideological gash. And it’s not going to heal, because, unlike you expedient professional truth-manipulators, I’m not prepared to meet the enemies of freedom halfway just because you lost the election. (Okay, honey. I’ll meet you at the recruiting station. Then we can go meet them face to face.) Your speechwriters might see the Bush administration’s failings as nothing more than convenient fodder for your campaign blather, but the GOP junta’s sins don’t go away just because decrying them no longer serves your ambitions. Last week they were the imperialist pigs who misled us into war and you were the savior. Now we’re the goddamn Getalong Gang?! Screw that. Fight back or shut up.

Now, the rest of you. …

A lot of us effete Easterners want to know: What the **** is wrong with you?! (MORE nasty talk! And, “Effete” means “marked by moral decay,” “worn out,” dummy. (Got that part right, anyway…heh!)) You voted against your self-interest at every turn (you dumb-asses in South Dakota deserve special credit for voting out one of the most powerful Democrats in the Senate) (Yah…Tiny Tommy Daschle was deeply saddened about that…) and re-elected an ignorant cowboy who can’t be trusted to remember a lunch order, never mind run a country. (You have a thing against cowboys?? I guess the President’s MBA from Harvard and his degree from Yale don’t count..) What in the name of God…?! Wait, it was in the name of God, wasn’t it? (If you really KNEW God, you wouldn’t be using His name so casually, and you for SURE wouldn’t be using the F-bomb in every other phrase). Rendered weak and ignorant by a spoon-fed climate of fear, you slack-jawed inbred flatlanders have sought refuge in the traditional twin towers of mindlessness–jingoistic patriotism and fundamentalist religion. God’s on your side. Like hell. Jesus loves us, dammit. (Does it mean that we are related to YOU saggitally-crested, mouth-breathing, knuckledragging troglodytes? Oh, man, I HATE when that happens…)

Okay, you want God? Let’s talk about God. Your religion is bogus. (How do you know what my religion is? …Jerk…) Fundamentalism, the facile belief in the unexplained and un-researched, is something you born-agains (couldn’t get it right the first time, huh?) share with Al Qaeda, whose ideologues doggedly adhere to religious misinterpretations every bit as silly and dangerous as yours. Just like you, Muslim fundamentalists long to impose an unrealistic and intolerant pseudo-Calvinist morality on the world. In fact, America’s religious right has so much in common with the Shiah, it’s a wonder you guys don’t invite them to join the Rotary. Born-againsters look for the face of Christ in the wallpaper; fundamentalist Muslims hallucinate the voice of the 12th Imam; but aside from that (and extremely divergent attitudes toward pork), you both hate the same stuff–homosexuality, pacifism, Jews, education, uppity women, enlightenment, short skirts, gangsta rap, tattoos, infidels. (I do NOT hate tattoos. You Smurf ...) (They also share your love of super-lethal weaponry.) (This paragraph is so specious, so over-the-top, and so quintessentially YOU that I’m just going to leave it like it is. Not everybody, apparently, can have YOUR perspicacity.)

Well, sorry to burst your holy bubble, Jesus freaks, (JESUS FREAK AND PROUD, please, if you don’t mind…) but God did not create the world in seven days; that’s just ignorant. (Since you seem to be claiming to have special, personal experience of that event, would you mind telling us just exactly how long it DID take? Oh, and, let me know how Saddam likes Hell, okay?) Like a lot of stuff in the Bible, it didn’t happen. (Name just one. You must have PROOF, if you are so confident and all…) And Moses looked more like Jeff Goldblum than like Charlton Heston. (Ah. And his looks are important at this time because…?) Jesus didn’t hunt; he fished. (No he didn’t. He didn’t do EITHER. He was a CARPENTER, then a preacher and a Rabbi. He just had some friends who were fishermen. Go read your Bible–If you even HAVE a Bible.) Jesus wouldn’t want you (or anyone else) to have an assault rifle. (You know this how?) What would Jesus do if he met you? He’d ask you to stop ruining his hard-won good reputation. (Y’know the guy died to redeem your sorry ass; you might at least show a little respect for what he was really about.) (Y’know, he died for YOUR sorry ass…your sorry, mortally-sinful, disrespectful, arrogant, foulmouthed, self-important ass, too. So, let’s see a little REAL RESPECT for the Savior of the world, okay?)

What else is bothering you self-destructive morons? (Um, self-important, elitist, dry-heaving bile-barfers like you, perhaps?) What other overwhelmingly urgent issue caused you to vote yourselves into the retirement poorhouse and sacrifice the four freedoms? Gay marriage? Dig it. Right at this moment in your little picturesque insular East Silage-for-Brains, U.S.A., there are gay and lesbian couples walking around–possibly even copulating. (Um, same-sex sex isn’t “copulating.” Can’t be done. It can’t even be called “mating.” It’s MASTURBATION. PERIOD. Part A must be inserted into the proper Part B for copulation and/or mating. You can’t do it by trying to insert Part A into Part C, or Part B into Part B.) Really. It’s been going on around you all your lives, and you’ve never been hurt by it. Now, if these same couples were “married” in any legal sense, they’d still walk and copulate (um, see above…) as usual and it still wouldn’t make any difference to you. You don’t like or understand homosexuality? Fine. Nobody’s asking your permission. But it’s not your problem. And hiding it won’t make it go away. Nor will persecuting gays change anybody’s sexual preference. So, to put it aptly, go **** yourselves and leave other people alone. (Honey, you go right ahead. Nobody is saying you can’t poke your peepee into some other man’s butt. We’re just saying we don’t want you forcing the rest of us to like it, approve of it, or to make laws giving you special privileges simply because it’s the way you choose to have your orgasms/expose yourself to STDs, etc.)

Anything else? Education deform … er, reform. Some of you weren’t even born the first time when, in 1968, legendary secular-humanist prophet Frank Zappa wrote: “All your children are poor unfortunate victims of lies you believe. A plague upon your ignorance that keeps the young from the truth they deserve.” (Oh, my, yes. That paragon of virtuous educational purity; that morally upstanding example of real fatherhood, Frank Zappa. NOW I’m really impressed..) We repeat, creationism is absurd. (Okay. You come up with a better explanation. But you have to start with your own interstellar matter. All of ours is already claimed by Yahweh.) Yet in the name of protecting this ridiculous and irrelevant belief, you toothless crank-heads are willing to eschew all science and learning this side of Copernicus. (Or do you still think the sun orbits the earth?) The Bushies really are on your side here. (Note Ivy League advanced degrees mentioned above, if you really think President Bush is stupid.) Leaders like G.W. and (yes, it’s a fair comparison) Hitler rise to power by exploiting the support of the weak and stupid, so it’s in their interest to encourage weakness and stupidity. (First lesson in convincing someone to your way of thought: DO NOT KEEP CALLING THEM “STUPID”. Sheesh.) That’s where universal education becomes a threat. Education encourages creative thought. (Then that explains why today’s highschool graduates can’t count, write a logical sentence, read, calculate without a machine, or carry on a conversation that isn’t full of F-bombs and, “I’m like..” and “He’s like…”) Creative thought empowers people. Fascists hate creative thought. (LOL! For a minute there, I thought you were admitting something. Sorry. You were saying…?) So it’s incredibly convenient for the GOP that you folks actually want your kids to be dumb. Which is why the No Child Left Behind initiative you endorse has, in fact, done nothing! Happy? Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. (The No Child Left Behind inititative makes teachers accountable for the progress of their students. This threatens you how?)

What else is on your hate-laden Limbaugh-laid table? Flag burning? It’s just cloth, guys. Sex ed? Heaven forbid your daughters learned the facts of life in time to prevent having to avoid an abortion. (Heaven forbid our daughters should be abstinent and chaste until marriage, and thereby prevent 100% of any abortions and treatments for STDs that might be necessary under YOUR plan. Don’t forget: “Abstinence Works–Every Time It’s Tried”)

Gun control? We said “control,” not confiscation. (“Gun Control” means hitting what you aim at.) And there are high-powered automatic weapons most civilians really do not need. (I’m amazed. How do you KNOW what kinds of guns people need? And the Second Amendment is NOT about SPORTS) Even moose tend to come at you one at a time. “But shooting’s fun!” you argue. “It’s a sport.” Breaking windows and driving 100 miles an hour are fun, but they’re legally controlled activities. “But,” you object, “how do I defend my family when the nigras and the Jews and the Communists from Harvard come on my property?” Right. Lock the gate; everybody covets your Tupperware and your chard. We’ll be right over. (Okay…You said these words, I DIDN’T, and I don’t appreciate your attributing them to me, you RACIST, ELITIST JERK. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that it’s rude and cruel to make fun of people who aren’t as rich, pretty, or smart as you??)

Does it really bother you cornpone chuckleheads that “we” think you’re under-educated, culturally limited and ignorant? (Um……NO, it doesn’t. Should it?) Well, how about proving us wrong? (Don’t need to. But you need to just pay attention once in a while.) For starters, get this straight: There were no weapons of mass destruction; (Wrong) the Iraqis did not attack the World Trade Center (Wrong. 17 of the 19 terrorists who blew up the WTC were Iraqis;) lots of children (including many of yours) are left behind every day; (Left behind by the bloated utopian Socialism brainwashing of the Leftists Public School system, you mean). the greenhouse effect is for real; (Wrong again, and I see you got the Democrat talking-points memo for the week) and the Dixie Chicks were right. (Waaaaaay wrong. And they are silly, too. Yet more proof that Leftists/Democrats take themselves way too seriously). Pin down a few of those basics and then perhaps we’ll talk.

Am I being elitist here? (Yep) Disrespectful of the dignity of the masses? (LOL! When did you copy THAT Marxist clunker??) I f*****g hope so, because 51 percent of the masses have had their say and it doesn’t make sense. (Boy, you got a MOUTH on you! Last time I looked, 51% was a majority. That must really frost your butt). Besides, when I think about people being tortured while they’re held without representation at Guantnamo (Oh! You mean those terrrorists and war criminals? The murderous ones we captured trying to kill us, who get treated like kings (we even paint footprints by their latrine holes so they don’t accidentally poop while facing Mecca), compared to the way they treat OUR people when they capture us–like Daniel Perle and the non-military contractors who were slaughtered, then hung from bridge girders and set afire–in the Middle East??) and Iraqi families crawling out of the rubble of their own homes, (You mean all those Iraqis who have been abused, murdered, tortured, oppressed, and fed to the plastics chipper for the last forty years by the tinpot dictator OUR TROOPS found in a rat hole? The ones who run out to the troops with signs saying, “Thank You USA!” THOSE Iraqis?) I’m not too worried if I insult some Bible-sucking insurance salesman or a possum-breathed saw sharpener. (LOL! You really fancy yourself some kind of erudite, articulate, suave, smooth-talking, silver-tongued raconteur, don’t you?)

Too harsh? I know (because I’ve been so chided) that there are lots of good, right-thinking/left-leaning liberals out there who feel it’s my responsibility to “understand” you. These are good people; unlike you assholes, they voted the right way. (All these insults are getting pretty tiresome. But you are doing pretty good about not repeating yourself too often, except for the overuse of **** and all its derivatives. I should have stopped reading long ago, but you were having such a good time I hated to spoil your fun.) But this is why in true progressive circles the word liberal attracts adjectives such as “wishy-washy,” “self-serving” and “useless.” (Wow, finally! The “P” word. You guys really love it when you get called “Progressives,” don’t you? Right out of the Communist Manifesto. Sounds about right to me…and, the last thing in the world I want is for someone like you to “understand” me. But, here goes:YOU “UNDERSTAND” ME, buddy…YOU do not speak for me, for my family, or for anyone else who voted for George Bush, and YOU will never understand anything because you are locked into a tiny, self-serving, navel-gazing sanctimonious, elitist world of self-congratulation; convinced that you are so precious and valuable to the rest of us that the Government owes you a living. Get a life. Get a REAL LIFE. Then maybe we’ll talk.)

In its own well-intentioned way, liberalism is, when you think about it, almost as big a problem as fundamentalism is. (No, liberalism IS the problem). See, as much as I disagree with you and am disgusted by the shallow and pathetic pawns you’ve become, (Now you’re REALLY getting funny! Good way to get me onto your side, dood. Insult me, my intelligence, my family, my country, my faith…way to go, you silly, inconsequential, elitist, Pretentious Progressive twit) I respect your potential. That’s why liberal Democrats can’t bring themselves to do what the Republicans do so well — cynically lie to you for selfish gain. (Do you really think Kerry would have banned the Bible?) (Do you really think Kerry BELIEVES the Bible??) We nice people actually expected reasoned arguments, logic and incontrovertible evidence to convince you that Kerry was the better candidate. Turns out that the GOP’s double whammy of fear and loathing is a more powerful vote-getting tool. (Ah. “Reasoned arguments, logic, and incontrovertible evidence?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH(GASP!)LOLOLOL (wiping eyes!) Whew!)

Of course they, not we, laid the groundwork there. And that’s the real shocker you fly-over chicken-rubbers are going to realize just before the end (of freedom, that is; I don’t mean the Rapture, which is something else you believe in that’s not going to happen): You’ve been duped, and the Bushies are laughing at you behind your spineless backs right now. (Ok. How many different ways have you thought up to insult everybody but your fine, educated, perfect, self? As I said earlier, this is a great way to get people to think like you do…just don’t let up with the demeaning, derogatory, scatalogical, pornographic, racist, ELITIST insults. Guess your public-school-educated mind just can only come up with so many adjectives, huh? Too bad you had to learn all of yours from a rap album…) The Republicans don’t care about you; they just wanted your vote so they can stay in power and make their oil-and-blood-soaked cronies even richer. (And the “Progressives” just wanted YOUR vote so they could turn America into the next experiment in Socialist Utopia. What part of this don’t you get??) They’re going to send your job overseas and destroy Social Security. In the name of catching terrorists, they’re going to make sure you don’t read any interesting books or travel without permission. They’re going to toss you a minuscule tax cut in exchange for under-funding public education and social services, so there will be more poor people around to bother you. Perhaps you will become one of them. (You’re on your own from here on out, fella. You’re getting hysterical now.)

They’re going to shower the pharmaceutical companies with excess profits while denying you life-saving medical attention. They’re going to let corporate conglomerates fill the air you breathe with carcinogens while they discourage clean-energy research. They’re going to insist the ozone layer’s OK until y’all bake your little red asses off. They’re going to alienate the rest of the Western world and any portion of the Eastern world that isn’t willing to supply Wal-Mart with cheap labor. They’re going to throw more Saddam-esque bogeymen in your face while tacitly supporting Saudi terrorists and ignoring nuclear-armed Korean dictators. They’re going to rig the system so that even you law-abiding yahoos won’t be able to get a fair trial. And worst of all, they’re going to dehumanize your children and send them off to kill or be killed in the name of oil profits.

And you bought into it all because you’re afraid. And you’re afraid because they scared you. And it was all so unnecessary. You don’t have to be frightened. You (okay, most of you) aren’t really stupid or helpless. I know you at your worst and best. (Of course you do…) I grew up with you; I shared outdoor plumbing with you; I complimented the dead deer hanging on your front porches (this sentence would be “elitist,” wouldn’t it? Oh. No, wait! It’s only elitist if it comes from OUR side. Right…Gotcha) You can open your minds and accept or reject things on their merits instead of on their reputations in small-minded circles. You can think for yourselves. (Let me guess: Second-year college student. . Majoring in Political Science, International Affairs, Journalism Studies, Womyn’s Studies, and Gay Lifestyles. Parents college-educated, so they think what you are doing in school is actually “learning,” but what you are LEARNING from all your hippie peacenik professors is how to hate America, how to insult a fellow human being with the lowest comparisons you can think of, how to “think” like a communist robot. Oh. Incidentally, “A.N.S.W.E.R.” is NOT the answer… Unfortunately, all you got for all of mom and dad’s hard-earned, scrimped and borrowed savings was misled, conceited, and duped; because, honey, you sure didn’t get any smarter. And, you still haven’t learned how to properly insult someone without calling names. Nice going.)

And some day, you might figure that out. Meanwhile, you deserve what we all got thanks to you, you bastards. (You’re welcome. Oh! And, the next time you sit down to a meal, don’t forget to thank all the cornpones out in the flatlands of flyover country who grew it, harvested it, processed it, and got it to you while it was still fresh enough to eat and cheap enough to afford. And, don’t forget that not only are they feeding YOUR sorry elitist ass and ungrateful face, and those of your similarly-misguided and terminally self-involved sycophants, we are also feeding the world. Ingrate JERK.)

Clif Garboden is senior managing editor of The Boston Phoenix and president of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies. He can be reached at (removed by blogmaster)

A Valentine’s Day Remembered

When I was a little girl growing up in Payson, Valentine’s Day was a popular day. I don’t remember much about what the grownups did to observe it–probably pretty much like they do now, but with less variety in the ways of expression. I remember big heart-shaped candy boxes with big corsages on them that could be removed and worn, and elegant, padded satin boxes with rhinestone designs. And, I have no IDEA how long the message hearts have been around, but they were there. “Be Mine!” “Oh You Kid!” “Heart to Heart!” etc., except, if I remember correctly, the hearts were hard as bullets, and the purple and white ones were nasty-tasting.

The big thing was waiting for dusk. At that time, all the kids gathered up their special valentine cards and took them around to their friends. The protocol went like this: Place unsigned valentine(s) on doorstep, knock/ring, and RUN. Of course, the boys had a nifty approach. They’d attach an attractive valentine to a piece of black thread, lay the card on the doorstep, ring the bell, then hide quickly around the corner of the house. When the door was opened and the recipient (or parent) went to pick up the card, it was yanked away quickly, and the boys would run off, laughing.

However you choose to observe the day, keep in mind that it honors a real person and his real love, and spread it around. And who knows…maybe you’ll even feel like waiting until dusk to go drop an anonymous valentine on the doorstep of your true love…

To all both of my faithful readers, I send you my valentine. Unfortunately, you live so far away that I won’t be able to drop it on your doorstep and run this evening. But it comes from the heart. Thank you for your faithful attention. No blogger could ask for more.

Smile, Sweetie!

When I saw this little animation, the thing that caught my attention wasn’t just the fact that the subject is not smiling at all. The thing that struck me was the pure, unadulterated, evil MALICE in the eyes. If the eyes are indeed the windows of the soul, then this person should be avoided at all costs. As for voting her into office, I guess all I have to say is this: Anybody who votes to install this person as President of the United States of America is seditious at the least, and very possibly/probably treasonous. She has no feeling for the country, for the people who live here, or the laws that govern us. She is focused, with all her evil intent, on grasping the total power of the most powerful country on earth. If you weren’t scared before, you should be by now. She is NOT playing games, and she has absolutely no sense of humor at all. Not a scrap, stitch, or dab. She is the perfect example of what happens to people when they start taking themselves too seriously.

God help us.